Today is pretty. 60 degrees at 6:30am, with bright sun. Heavy dew. Is this really August?
During this morning's run (which sounds so much better than "gasping walk-jog thing"), I was thinking about the first time in my life that I tried to run for exercise. My brother had a book called Aerobics, which I think was the classic 1968 book by Kenneth Cooper. My brother had the book because he was interested in running; he eventually ran track in high school. I had already been overweight for a while, so I was probably about 12. Anyway, I took the test in the book, and I started jogging per the book's instructions. I took my bike and, using the odometer, I mapped out a course that I thought was about a mile. Now, using the Gmaps Pedometer, I can tell that it was more like three-quarters of a mile. I remember that I got to the point where I was running that distance in six and a half minutes, which is pretty good.
Then came the day that I got scared off from jogging.
I don't remember the incident too well. I just remember that toward the end of the day's run a girl from my school ran out at me and yelled at me. I don't remember her name, or what she looked like (other than a lot of tall black hair). I don't remember what she yelled. I just have this vague memory of being startled by having her run at me, and of being ridiculed that I (fat I) was bothering to exercise. Like it was ridiculous to think that I could change from what I was - which to her seemed to be "just the fat kid."
I never went jogging after that. I guess, really, this is the first time I'm trying to jog since then. I was afraid of being ridiculed. I was ashamed of being fat, and believed that everyone despised me for being fat. Anything that brought that feeling out into the open was to be avoided at any cost, and so I gave up the one thing that I was doing that could reverse the situation.
How would things have been different if I had been able to ignore her? Or if I had someone encourage me to continue? Or if I had given my parents a truthful instead of a mumbled answer when they asked me why I stopped? Or if I had known the Lord well enough to get help from Him?
Father, I choose to forgive - this girl, those around me, myself for giving in and giving up.
2.5 - 30 - 5
Wow, am I glad that I started timing my workouts! What an improvement! This is 9% better than I did on Tuesday! This is encouraging. To celebrate, I took an extended cool down over to the park near the creek, which is a pretty place to stretch. Then I ended up cleaning up some of the trash left in the park. :(
Kudos to you, Peaj, for taking it up again!
ReplyDeleteNo amount of jogging would have overcome the ignorant behavior of others. I constantly consider what I can do to bolster the esteem of my teenagers so they can come through those years more unscathed. And as someone that actually saw you in high school, I cannot believe that you thought of yourself as fat. But when I think about what I thought of myself when I was a teenager, I think it's all too easy to have a skewed self image at that age. I'm sure your parents would have wanted you to have a more trusting relationship with them and god too. But I know so many people that I consider to be excellent, concerned parents (including you and Kathie and the Latshaws), and sometimes all the values, intentions and resources in the world cannot compare with the determination of a child to be self reliant, especially during adolescence. I know I certainly didn't want anyone telling me anything, I was sure my parents couldn't possibly relate to me at that time or think my problems more than trivial. I was horribly confused about god. I just thank god everyday that I finally have a relationship with him NOW, and prayer for his strength not only for myself but my children as well.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for being able to forgive, and for finding the strength to take it back up again. It's amazing how what appears to be a small incident during our childhood can have such a lasting impact in our lives.
PJ--that story is very touching; I am so sorry about what that girl said. Being a kid can be really painful sometimes; heck, being an adult can be really painful sometimes.
ReplyDeleteBut thank God that you do know Him well enough to get help from him; that you have many people-friends and family--who love you and believe in you.
Seriously, your jogging sounds like something that God is using for many good things in your life.
Thanks, all, for the comments.
ReplyDeleteOne thing about this incident that I consider progress is that I used to just accept that girl's judgment about me and feel bad about myself. I also kept eating, not seeming to be able to stop. But now I see that I had choices to make, and I gave away something to someone who doesn't care for me. I want to give to God, and not to those that don't care for me.