Advice on temper tantrums

This is a special post for one person in particular (hi Susan! You can't see me, but I'm waving really hard over here!), but hopefully the other person who reads this blog will find it interesting too. Most of what I learned that is best about parenting I learned from my dear wife; this is definitely one of the things I learned from her.

Let's talk about temper tantrums. Most children will at some point try a temper tantrum to get their way. In doing so, they are trying to gain control through fierce emotions.

(Just to be clear, a temper tantrum is when a child cries and/or thrashes (or goes limp) in a seemingly uncontrollable manner, with the goal of getting their way. Crying because of physical injury or because the child is frightened is not a temper tantrum. Fortunately, at least the first few times a child throws a temper tantrum, it is pretty obvious that the cause of the tantrum is a desire for control and not some other emotional distress.)

Children will hit on throwing tantrums because they have noticed that when mom or dad wants something right away that they put emotion behind their request ("Stop that! Right now!"). They have probably also tried ramping up their own emotions, and may have noticed that parents jump a little quicker when the crying starts. So now they are full out trying to get their way by pouring as much emotion out as they can.

I think that stopping tantrums is really important, and it has to be a priority to train a child to stop them. In fact, I think that it needs to take priority over almost everything else, except things like imminent physical injury to another child. In throwing a tantrum, the child is doing several things wrong:

• They are trying to dominate someone else through emotional force. This is bad when you are two; this is horrible when you are thirty-two. Teaching your child that dominating others through emotional force is wrong is a valuable lesson that will stand them in good stead for the rest of their lives.
• They are challenging your authority as a parent. This always makes for a priority situation on my book.
• They are training themselves to lose control. If a child rehearses tantrums enough, they may actually be unable to step away from the tantrum behavior in the way I describe below. This is why I feel that it is essential to take care of tantrums early.
  

Most parents (and it is usually parents who will see a child's first temper tantrums) respond to temper tantrums in one of two ways:

• They try to get the child what they want as quickly as they can. This seems to be an almost unconscious or instinctual response. To paraphrase Bill Cosby, it's like there is a nerve at the base of the spine that starts jumping whenever the child starts wailing, and this nerve compels the parent to run to make the wailing stop!
  
• They try to overcome the child's emotional barrage with one of their own. This reaction usually comes after the parent has fallen victim to several temper tantrums in the past and realizes that they are being manipulated. They may cajole the child to stop, or get angry at the child and threaten them with discipline or punishment ("I'll give you something to cry about..."). In extreme cases, the parent may throw a fit of their own.
  

I don't think either of these are effective responses. The first, of course, reinforces the tantrum behavior as an effective means of gaining what is desired. As for the second, as I said in my last post, it is very difficult to out-emotion a child. I think that in an escalation of emotions, most adults will give in first. Besides, this strategy also teaches, through modelling, that emotional control is an effective strategy. I don't think that either parents or children should dominate each other emotionally; I don't think that it is very respectful.

My recommendation for tantrums is to not to respond to them. Remember how in an earlier post I said that parents need to have a little corner of their hearts where they are indifferently objective toward their children? This is where you use that part of your heart. Calmly tell your child that you can't understand them when they are wailing like that, but if they can speak to you in a calm voice you would be glad to talk to them. Then ignore them a while. Every minute or two return to them, calmly tell them that you are sorry that they are upset, but that you can't speak to them until they can speak calmly. The goal is to train the child that if they want to be heard they will need to give up their strong emotional position and meet you on an emotionally level playing field.

Notice the two phrasings that I used: "I can't understand you" and "I can't speak to you". You may feel that saying "I can't understand you" isn't exactly honest, and may prefer to use the second wording. I like using "I can't understand you" because it makes it easier for me to maintain the position that I can't do anything until I am spoken to calmly. It really is amazing how quickly a child can calm down when they believe that they can't be understood.

Okay, so what if this happens in a public place, like a store? Well, children don't pick these places at random to throw tantrums. They pick them because they know that you are task-focused and are probably willing to take a shortcut or two in your parenting in order to get through with your shopping. In these situations, it is vital that you maintain a consistent response to tantrums; otherwise, the child will learn that in certain situations their strategy is effective. I think that if your child throws a tantrum in public that you can have your calm little discussion with your child as I said above. You can check that they are not where they are going to get stepped on and briefly move them if need be. Then you can step away a few feet and let them wail. Maybe you can look around with an expression like "where are the parents of this child?" like the rest of the adults. You can reassure your other children that little Jane just needs to let out some big emotions and she will be okay. You can comfort yourself with the knowledge that it takes a village to raise a child, and withstanding the uncomfortable sound of a screaming child is how the village of adults in the store is helping you raise your child today.

Now, maybe this is too much for you to deal with in public. Or, maybe your child throws a tantrum while you are in the middle of a transaction, like while you are paying for your items. Or maybe your child is clever enough to try and hurt themselves to get your attention. I've seen children who, when moved out of harms way, will quickly move themselves back again, or who will throw themselves on the ground in an apparent disregard for their physical safety. In these cases I recommend that you warn the child once, excuse yourself from any adults (I'm sure the store would be glad to hold or restock your selected items while you deal with your child) and then quickly transport your child out of the public place.

Whenever we had to take this step we used a special hold that we used only for discipline (mostly for tantrums and for disobeying commands to come). We called this hold "carrying [our child] like a sack of flour." This hold was basically draping the child over our forearm with them face down. It wasn't a particularly uncomfortable hold (in fact, as infants they liked being held that way), but because we used it only for discipline it signaled our displeasure and meant that they weren't being held, just transported.

Take the child to your car or other neutral place and then let them tantrum on until they respond to your even-voiced requests for calm conversation. Keeping your own voice calm and indifferent is key. Pretend that being asked to listen to a screamed request is like being asked to reverse gravity: it's a physical impossibility that you really can't do anything about.

Once the child is able to speak calmly, praise them for making a wise choice and comfort them over their big feelings. Then respond to their request (either yes or no or compromise) and hug that sweet little person. They've been through a lot!