What is an adult?

I have a great son. Sometimes, though, I want to convey information to him (some might say "lecture him") on subject areas that he may find uncomfortable to discuss face to face. Accordingly, I sometimes send him emails on this information. This has the advantage of avoiding what he might consider embarrassing conversations. It also avoids any ambiguity on what exactly it was that I said.

The below essay is mostly taken from one recent email.

What is an adult?

A child is ruled by their passions and their appetites. They want, and they try to get what they want. For a child, there is no judgment or filtering between desire and action. A child says, "I want it, so I will try to get it."

An adult, on the other hand, manages and mediates their desires and appetites. They may feel the same wants as the child, but they evaluate them against long term goals and values, and then act based on a decision, not merely in response to their desires.

Because a child cannot or does not manage themselves, a child is managed by other people. An adult manages themselves. You can probably see that by this definition, some who are physically and legally adults still act like children, and that there are physical children who can act like adults, at least in some areas.

Some children see adulthood as a way to be freed of the constraint of management, but this is just an illusion. If their parents are not managing them, and they are not managing themselves, then they are being manipulated by someone or something else. There are many people who thought that they were following a way of freedom once they hit their 20s, only to find years later that they had been enslaved by their appetites and, ultimately, to sin and the Enemy.

Another aspect of adulthood is that an adult embraces their self-management responsibilities. They take responsibility for themselves and their actions, even when something unexpected happens. They "own" the results of their self-management, even when they fail.

For example, suppose that a person makes a commitment to arrive somewhere at a certain time. Then they misjudge how heavy traffic is, and they get there late. A childish response is to blame the traffic and say "it wasn't my fault." An adult may explain that traffic was heavier than expected, but they also admit that they failed in their commitment and they take responsibility for making it right.

A classic example of this is when people say that they "fell" into sexual impropriety, arguing that the inappropriate actions "just happened" or that they got "swept away" by great desire that they didn't expect. The truth is that they should know that once they hit puberty that there will always be a sexual awareness that responds to the sexual attractiveness of other people. It is in a way nonspecific (though it may feel differently) and it is often not respectful of circumstances or of prior commitments. They thus need to manage this sexual awareness, and make decisions on how to respond to attraction based on long term goals and values.

By this I mean not just that they need to reserve sex for their present or future spouse. There are other ways in which people need to manage their sexuality. For example, people need to ensure that they don't lead others on through excessive flirting, giving them the impression that there is an exclusive commitment to that person that isn't really there. On the receiving end, people also need to guard their hearts from the flirtations of others so that they do not emotionally commit themselves to someone that they do not have an intention of committing to in marriage.

My encouragement to you is to work toward managing yourself as much as you can, while accepting our instruction and guidance while you still have the chance. This can be a frustrating time, when you are between our management of you and your management of yourself. It may happen that at times you manage yourself well, and we "steal" this victory from you by giving you advice that you are already aware of. It may happen that at other times that we restrict you in areas that you feel that you can manage. Against these frustrations, be assured that your goal and our goal is the same: for you to be a functioning adult. Our timetables may look different sometimes, but we both want the same thing. Let's be careful to preserve our relationship during this sticky "in-between" time so that we will keep it long-term.

With great affection,

Dad

The Persecuted Church

Today is the International Day of Prayer for the Persecuted Church.

I have a vision of a woman. She is in a cell. The cell is about 4' by 6', made of block walls. The walls are smooth and painted white. The long walls are plain and unadorned. On one short wall, very high up, is a window. The window is small and covered by a grate, but it lets in some air, light, and, occasionally, rain. On the opposite wall is a steel door. There is a slot in the door near the floor for food to be passed through, and a slot higher up for observation. The woman is afraid of the door. The door does not represent freedom for the woman. The door represents pain, sorrow, and degradation. When she leaves through the door is also when she is most aware of the suffering of her fellow prisoners. She does not like when that door opens.

The floor of the cell is wet, and dirty. Besides the woman, the cell contains a mattress along one wall, a bucket in the corner, and a porcelain bowl from her last meal. The woman is kneeling on the mattress. The sun is shining through the window onto her. Though the air is crisp, her clothes are thin, summer-weight.

The woman's hands are clasped. Her head is bowed. She has been praying. It has been some days since they last opened the door, and she thinks it likely that they will come for her today. She stops her quiet prayer. She throws up her hands and begins to sing to God. She worships him, thanking him for his gift of eternal life and for the sacrifice of Jesus. She recommits her heart to him, declaring that she relies on his mercy and believes in his justice.

She continues to sing, as she hears the sound of booted feet walking in the hall.

---

Today is the International Day of Prayer for the Persecuted Church, and I am so humbled and honored to be counted a brother to those who are imprisoned, beaten, harassed, shunned and otherwise injured and yet who continue to praise God in such circumstances. This praise is especially sweet and significant to God, given as it is in great faith and, sometimes, at much personal cost. And I feel for those who fail in these times, who fall away or who don't stand up for the faith and who feel ashamed of their failure. We owe such brothers and sisters a debt of love and of prayer.

Happy Birthday, John

Today my son turns 17.

• I remember working on my computer, and my wife of five months coming up to me and quietly leaning her head against me. I asked her what was wrong, and she asked, "What if we're pregnant?" And even though I was just as scared of being a parent as she was, the Spirit quickened this answer to me: "That would be great!" He also gave me this gem in the ensuing conversation: "Our baby won't be scary, because he won't be a stranger. He'll be part of us."
• I remember driving to the birth center, praying furiously for my laboring wife in the back seat. Suddenly, I felt that we should call our baby John. Later, after his birth, I asked my wife what she thought we should call him, barely holding back the knowledge that I had the right answer. She said - almost apologetically, like she was forcing something onto me - "Well, I think his name is John."
• I remember following the only route that I knew to the birth center, and finding a tractor trailer jack-knifed across the road. As I pulled up to the scene, a police officer stepped up to wave me off. I rolled down my window and said, "Officer, how do I get to the birth center? My wife is having a baby!" How classic is that?
• After he was born, I remember looking at that tiny little body, and seeing that he was perfect. When he was born, there was not a blemish on his skin; aside from some bruising around his eyes, he had this perfect white smoothness.
• And he was strong! His one-minute APGAR score was a 10, which I think the midwives downgraded to a 9 just because they felt that no baby should get a score of 10.
• I remember having to dress a baby for the first time in my life at the birth center, under the gaze of the midwife. It seemed to take forever. I was so afraid of hurting him! I think that the midwife eventually took pity on me and helped out.
• I remember our time of resting at the birth center being over far too quickly. They kicked us out and told us to go home! The morning was bright and sunny, but very cold. I was afraid that this fragile baby would get frostbitten in the ten feet between the building and my car.
• I remember driving home trying to grasp the concept that I was now a father and that we had a baby.
• I remember getting back to our apartment, and seeing some construction workers. I wanted to yell over to them, "Look! Look at my son! Isn't he wonderful!" I thought that this is how evangelism ought to feel - just an overwhelming joy that you have to share.

Thank you, Father, for the gift of my son. Here's to my guy, all big and tall now. Happy Birthday, John!

The elections

I am glad that this round of elections is finally over. I got so used to ignoring the campaign that it seemed like the actual election really snuck up on me. But now it is done. Congratulations, President-Elect Obama!

I'm not surprised that Obama won. Maybe this is the height of regional arrogance, but I run in fairly conservative circles, and so when I began hearing many people talk about their support of Obama or of their reluctant or embarrassed support of the GOP candidate, I felt that it was likely that Obama was getting a lot of support in similar communities. I thought that it didn't bode well for the GOP when usually staunch supporters expressed shame from and weariness of the current administration, and were unexcited by the centrist McCain.

Now, however, we can leave campaigning behind and leave the elected officials to fight out what kind of government they will have. Will it be marked by bipartisan cooperation to do the right things, or will it be marked by obstinate showboating parading as principles? Will there be goodwill and generosity toward our new President, or will other elected officials flaunt their power by undercutting his efforts?

Fortunately, we do not have to wait on such things. We do not have to depend on government to improve things and set things right. People are not made righteous by good laws, nor do they prosper through government programs. Yes, these things can made a big difference in the things of this world - but we are not of this world, and I am not speaking of worldly righteousness nor of worldly prosperity. We are a chosen people, citizens of the kingdom, whose King works no matter who sits in the White House.

I urge you to do two things. First, pray for our elected officials. Pray that they would hear the voice of God, and follow his wisdom. Pray especially for our President-Elect. I fear for his physical safety in this dark world. I fear also that he would be frustrated by people who want to see him fail through bigotry or other mean desires. Whether you agree with his goals and philosophies or not, the country does not need an ineffective President at a time like this.

Secondly, don't wait for the President-Elect or the new Congress to make things right. They can help with some things, yes. But remember that your Father in heaven values you, knows your needs, and hears your prayers. He wants to bless you, and through you, to bless others. Focus on his government, not on the world's government.