Pure

Worship used to be pure for me. I remember when I first attended the Barn, I would get lost in worship. It could never be long enough. I felt that worship was a sacred place where I (and also we) could do no wrong. I loved it because I felt that I transcended my normally unfocused, mixed life, to a place where I was pure. Like white marble, without any marking. Like gold, clear as transparent glass.

Over the years, that has changed. Depressions that I endured altered that somewhat. Joining worship team certainly did that. One disappointment that I faced when I first joined worship team was that these beautiful, meaningful songs could be treated lightly and irreverently by the people who sang and played them. I know now that this was part of their learning process, and that they meant no dishonor to the Lord in their playfulness, but it was a big shock for me.

Later, I spent years on worship team when I wanted to escape church at the earliest possibility. When I knew that if anyone suggested that I shouldn't be there that I would leave the team in a heartbeat. When I would force myself to not look at the clock until we had done two songs because I didn't want to look up and see that we were only five minutes into worship. When evening worship would take so much out of me that I would feel horrible afterward. When people would say "wasn't worship great?" and I would have no clue that it had been any different than usual. During those times, I forced myself to lead worship, and act as if I felt what I sang. I sang in faith.

Those were hard times, but they taught me some things. I think that they have made my worship more sure, because I have learned to lead worship whether I feel like it or not. Leading worship is work, and like other work it can be fulfilling or it can be difficult. The important thing is to get the work done. And worship is a good and honorable work.

Despite the good things that I now see coming from this time, the hard times have still left a mark on my worship. It is no longer the pure place it once was for me. Because worship is no longer just a place of joy for me but has all of this other history to it, it is not as pure as it once was.

So what is pure? Oddly enough, Scripture has been feeling pure to me. I say "oddly enough" because Scripture used to be the place I avoided because there I was condemned by how bad a Christian I was. I don't know when the change occurred, but lately, and particularly when I have been worshiping and my spirit is open, Scripture has been a balm and a marvel. I can feel the richness, the beauty of it. It feels like it is pure.

Because Scripture deals with both God and man, some Scripture feels more pure than others. I don't mean that some Scripture is better or worse on some absolute scale because it talks about man's sins. I mean that some portions of Scripture stand out more as being filled with that sweet goodness of God, and when I read it with my spirit, I feel like I am in that place of focus and purity that pushes out everything that is lesser.

Last Thursday we sang Revelation Song at our kinship group. Afterward, with my spirit all opened up, I read Revelation 4, where many of the words of the song come from.

I read it in the NIV, but here it is in The Message. Go ahead and read it; it's short. I'll wait.

Oh my Lord, my Lord! High and lifted up!

This Scripture is pure and full of rightness. This chapter is all about the exaltation and unassailable sovereignty of God. You don't get anywhere near the throne of God - or this Scripture - with thoughts of rebellion or dishonor or deception. He is King, He rules, and the most amazing creatures ever made worship Him all the time. And He is so spectacularly beautiful, so shockingly splendid that if we were to be suddenly in His presence, any pretension of independence that we might imagine we could have before His throne would be swept away. We would quickly be on our faces in adulation and worship, and glad of every second that we could spend like that.

Can I find superlatives enough for Him? Can I say enough to lift up His name?