I have a great son. Sometimes, though, I want to convey information to him (some might say "lecture him") on subject areas that he may find uncomfortable to discuss face to face. Accordingly, I sometimes send him emails on this information. This has the advantage of avoiding what he might consider embarrassing conversations. It also avoids any ambiguity on what exactly it was that I said.
The below essay is mostly taken from one recent email.
What is an adult?
A child is ruled by their passions and their appetites. They want, and they try to get what they want. For a child, there is no judgment or filtering between desire and action. A child says, "I want it, so I will try to get it."
An adult, on the other hand, manages and mediates their desires and appetites. They may feel the same wants as the child, but they evaluate them against long term goals and values, and then act based on a decision, not merely in response to their desires.
Because a child cannot or does not manage themselves, a child is managed by other people. An adult manages themselves. You can probably see that by this definition, some who are physically and legally adults still act like children, and that there are physical children who can act like adults, at least in some areas.
Some children see adulthood as a way to be freed of the constraint of management, but this is just an illusion. If their parents are not managing them, and they are not managing themselves, then they are being manipulated by someone or something else. There are many people who thought that they were following a way of freedom once they hit their 20s, only to find years later that they had been enslaved by their appetites and, ultimately, to sin and the Enemy.
Another aspect of adulthood is that an adult embraces their self-management responsibilities. They take responsibility for themselves and their actions, even when something unexpected happens. They "own" the results of their self-management, even when they fail.
For example, suppose that a person makes a commitment to arrive somewhere at a certain time. Then they misjudge how heavy traffic is, and they get there late. A childish response is to blame the traffic and say "it wasn't my fault." An adult may explain that traffic was heavier than expected, but they also admit that they failed in their commitment and they take responsibility for making it right.
A classic example of this is when people say that they "fell" into sexual impropriety, arguing that the inappropriate actions "just happened" or that they got "swept away" by great desire that they didn't expect. The truth is that they should know that once they hit puberty that there will always be a sexual awareness that responds to the sexual attractiveness of other people. It is in a way nonspecific (though it may feel differently) and it is often not respectful of circumstances or of prior commitments. They thus need to manage this sexual awareness, and make decisions on how to respond to attraction based on long term goals and values.
By this I mean not just that they need to reserve sex for their present or future spouse. There are other ways in which people need to manage their sexuality. For example, people need to ensure that they don't lead others on through excessive flirting, giving them the impression that there is an exclusive commitment to that person that isn't really there. On the receiving end, people also need to guard their hearts from the flirtations of others so that they do not emotionally commit themselves to someone that they do not have an intention of committing to in marriage.
My encouragement to you is to work toward managing yourself as much as you can, while accepting our instruction and guidance while you still have the chance. This can be a frustrating time, when you are between our management of you and your management of yourself. It may happen that at times you manage yourself well, and we "steal" this victory from you by giving you advice that you are already aware of. It may happen that at other times that we restrict you in areas that you feel that you can manage. Against these frustrations, be assured that your goal and our goal is the same: for you to be a functioning adult. Our timetables may look different sometimes, but we both want the same thing. Let's be careful to preserve our relationship during this sticky "in-between" time so that we will keep it long-term.
With great affection,
Dad
The below essay is mostly taken from one recent email.
What is an adult?
A child is ruled by their passions and their appetites. They want, and they try to get what they want. For a child, there is no judgment or filtering between desire and action. A child says, "I want it, so I will try to get it."
An adult, on the other hand, manages and mediates their desires and appetites. They may feel the same wants as the child, but they evaluate them against long term goals and values, and then act based on a decision, not merely in response to their desires.
Because a child cannot or does not manage themselves, a child is managed by other people. An adult manages themselves. You can probably see that by this definition, some who are physically and legally adults still act like children, and that there are physical children who can act like adults, at least in some areas.
Some children see adulthood as a way to be freed of the constraint of management, but this is just an illusion. If their parents are not managing them, and they are not managing themselves, then they are being manipulated by someone or something else. There are many people who thought that they were following a way of freedom once they hit their 20s, only to find years later that they had been enslaved by their appetites and, ultimately, to sin and the Enemy.
Another aspect of adulthood is that an adult embraces their self-management responsibilities. They take responsibility for themselves and their actions, even when something unexpected happens. They "own" the results of their self-management, even when they fail.
For example, suppose that a person makes a commitment to arrive somewhere at a certain time. Then they misjudge how heavy traffic is, and they get there late. A childish response is to blame the traffic and say "it wasn't my fault." An adult may explain that traffic was heavier than expected, but they also admit that they failed in their commitment and they take responsibility for making it right.
A classic example of this is when people say that they "fell" into sexual impropriety, arguing that the inappropriate actions "just happened" or that they got "swept away" by great desire that they didn't expect. The truth is that they should know that once they hit puberty that there will always be a sexual awareness that responds to the sexual attractiveness of other people. It is in a way nonspecific (though it may feel differently) and it is often not respectful of circumstances or of prior commitments. They thus need to manage this sexual awareness, and make decisions on how to respond to attraction based on long term goals and values.
By this I mean not just that they need to reserve sex for their present or future spouse. There are other ways in which people need to manage their sexuality. For example, people need to ensure that they don't lead others on through excessive flirting, giving them the impression that there is an exclusive commitment to that person that isn't really there. On the receiving end, people also need to guard their hearts from the flirtations of others so that they do not emotionally commit themselves to someone that they do not have an intention of committing to in marriage.
My encouragement to you is to work toward managing yourself as much as you can, while accepting our instruction and guidance while you still have the chance. This can be a frustrating time, when you are between our management of you and your management of yourself. It may happen that at times you manage yourself well, and we "steal" this victory from you by giving you advice that you are already aware of. It may happen that at other times that we restrict you in areas that you feel that you can manage. Against these frustrations, be assured that your goal and our goal is the same: for you to be a functioning adult. Our timetables may look different sometimes, but we both want the same thing. Let's be careful to preserve our relationship during this sticky "in-between" time so that we will keep it long-term.
With great affection,
Dad
absolutely great, Peaj!!! So smart and wise...John is blessed to be your son!
ReplyDeleteI'm very curious to know how well received this kind of communication is from your son. Does he appreciate it? Would you feel uncomfortable discussing this face to face, or is it just him? I have a fifteen year old who is developmentally delayed in terms of social skills, I keep waiting for him to get really uncomfortable talking about serious personal issues, I suppose I fear that day is coming.
ReplyDeleteI would feel a little embarrassed, but I think mostly because I can feel his embarrassment. Mostly, I think he tolerates communications like this with good grace. He and I watched Iron Man together recently, and I commented to him that parents seem to tolerate violence better than sex in movies. I conjectured that this may be because we felt our kids more likely to explore sex than to pick up an M-15 and start terrorizing the neighborhood. He laughed, but when I said the word sex he got all quiet until he saw that I was making a joke.
ReplyDeleteAh well. It's a part of life. He'll get over it.
peaj, this is really wonderful! Your kids are so blessed to have you and your wife as parents!
ReplyDeleteIt's not only wise, it is compassionate and respectful of his personhood.