Ill again

This week, I am ill. I felt it start Saturday, but foolishly decided to go to the church work day anyway.  Last Sunday I got a sore throat and lost my voice. Monday morning around 1AM I woke up with my throat in so much pain that I couldn't sleep - it hurt all the time, and when I swallowed it was like swallowing razor blades.

(Swallowing became this mean little game for me. On the one hand, I didn't want to be in pain. On the other, I became very conscious of a need to swallow, and of an obsessive little curiosity about the pain - was it still there? Will it decrease if I swallow a lot? Gulp. OWW! I guess not.)

Tuesday wasn't any better, and so I called my doctor - or, rather, had the wife call, since I couldn't carry on a conversation. First opening was Wednesday morning, so I got over there.

"Yup, you're ill. Might be strep. If it is strep, here is a prescription for antibiotics - you can take it now, or wait for the strep test to get back. If it isn't strep, not much to do besides numb the pain, lower the fever, drink fluids. Strep test should be back Friday."

Wednesday night I developed a cough - my throat was so raw, it tickled all the time. Then I couldn't sleep because of the cough.

Finally, here, on Friday, I feel like I am getting better. I am still running a slight fever (about a half degree), but the pain when I swallow is tolerable, and I can sleep without waking myself up from swallowing or coughing.

But what is it with this illness? I don't normally get this ill. I was also ill for 10 days over the last Christmas holiday as well. It's just weird - I feel like a little kid again, with these long illnesses.  It's also a little nerve-wracking to be out of work this long these days. Fortunately, I got a lot of big projects out of the way just before this happened.

I often feel distant from God, but when I am ill I have little interest in spiritual things, other than to throw up a "please make me well" prayer. I pull in, just wanting to be by myself, conserving resources, comforting myself.

I'm glad that he sticks with me anyway, though I don't understand why.

On being ill

For the last few weeks I have been moderately stuffed up.  I'm not sure if it was a cold, or some allergic reaction.  Then, Christmas Day, I woke up with a sore throat.  It got worse over the next few days, finally leading to me missing church (and my chance to be on worship team) on Sunday.

Yesterday, I felt really terrible.  I don't know if I had a mild fever, or if it was from so frequently blowing my nose, but I felt light-headed, woozy and exhausted.  I think that I was awake for only ten hours yesterday, which, since I usually fight sleep, means a lot of sleep for me.

Being ill is tough on me spiritually.  First, I usually feel like being sick is my fault, a result of my being overweight.  Second, I find it hard to pray when I am ill - it seems like it takes too much effort.  Third, I usually just want to be left alone, which isn't too great for my darling, relationship-oriented wife.  Fourth, my thoughts are often drawn to more, shall we say, disbelieving viewpoints.

I feel like I'm doing okay on items one and four of that list this time around.  But being ill makes me more appreciative of those who handle illness, even prolonged illness, with greater grace and faith.  I'm thinking particularly of Pam (no last name in the comments, please), who through her long illness was ever faithful, ever hopeful, and ever praising God.

Psalm 103:1 Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. 2 Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-- 3 who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, 4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, 5 who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. 

There are those that believe that being ill means a failure of faith - if we are really in the Lord, then we won't ever get sick.  But how do you know if you have been healed of a disease if you don't ever experience it?  I think that the verse above is talking about people experiencing illness, and then getting better through the Lord's beneficence.

But I also believe that there will be a time when there will no longer be any illness that we experience.  That will be great!

Okay, using the word "beneficence" in a sentence has pretty much exhausted me, so I think that I will end here.