Why no writing?

It has been nearly a year since I wrote anything on this blog.  Here is the last post that I started and never finished:

OK, I have been on hiatus for a long time. There has been a reason for this. It is because I hate myself.

Sorry. That is, perhaps, an overstatement. But any time I thought about posting, the thought soon came to my mind "who wants to read what you have to say?" Which kind of put a damper on my motivation.

I'm sad that I recognized this feeling a year ago and yet didn't see that it was something that I needed to work on to get past or to overcome. That's part of the problem of self-hatred; I assume that it is justified and just the way it is.  I thought that my self-loathing was something that I had dealt with fifteen years ago.  But I guess like many personality flaws or emotional issues or whatever, there are layers.

I did do something about it recently. I got some prayer for it. And I realized something: self hatred is a coping mechanism. It is a way of dealing with big scary feelings in a way that seems safer to me.  Like depression, which is what I used to run to instead of get angry in general, self hatred is something that I turn to when I want to avoid getting angry at other people. People ignore me, treat me like crap, walk all over me, don't answer my emails, don't laugh at my jokes?  Well, getting angry at them is just petty, so I don't want to do that.  But I'm still angry! Where do I put this emotion?  I'll just turn it toward myself!  "Why should they answer your emails/treat you nice/send you flowers and candy? You're not worth it anyway!" Something like that.  Makes the world make sense without me having to deal with blaming other people for anything.

But, like all ungodly ways of dealing with pain, this coping mechanism gets in the way of the truth.  And whether I am the best blogger in the world or just one of the crowd, it is wrong for me to totally despise what is in me.  There is good stuff in me, stuff that it is good to express.  Acting as if there isn't gets in the way of the Spirit.

This isn't a promise to start posting again. Not sure what will happen on that front.  It is just an explanation for why I stopped.

Sing Praises

Psalm 47:5 God has ascended amid shouts of joy, the Lord amid the sounding of trumpets. 6 Sing praises to God, sing praises; sing praises to our King, sing praises. 7 For God is the King of all the earth; sing to him a psalm of praise.

I have the honor this day of continuing the tradition of praise and worship at my church. This is something that my church is known for, and many people remark on the intensity of the worship at my church. It is exciting and humbling to be able to continue this tradition.

I read the above psalm this week, and I noticed something that I had never seen before. You know how in the Bible, if the speaker wants to emphasize something they say it twice ("Truly, truly I say to you"), and if they really want to emphasize it, they say it three times ("Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty")? Look at verse 6 above. Twice the psalmist says to sing praises to God, and twice he says to sing praises to our King. But in verse 7 he ties it together that God is our King, and so he told us four times to sing praises to Him! That's emphasis!

For God is King of all the earth. He is certainly and undeniably worthy of all of our praise. Sing praises!

Jessica Latshaw interview

Continuing in my role as a member of the Jessica Latshaw fan club, here is an interview that Jessica gave to Joan Dylan at radio station WRCH.

Thankful

For the first time in ten days, I slept through the night and got woken up by my alarm clock. You might not think that being woken by your alarm clock is something to be thankful for, but what has been happening is that I have been waking up from my throat hurting or from coughing and going downstairs to sleep sitting up somewhere. Last night I slept all night in my own bed through the whole night. I feel like a parent with a baby, except, of course, I'm the baby.

So, I'm thankful that I was able to sleep the whole night.

Mindful of him

A verse for my birthday:

Job 7:16 I loathe [my life]; I would not live alway: Let me alone; for my days are vanity. (ASV)

You may laugh, but there was a time when this was the type of thoughts that I used to have on my birthday. In those days, my birthday was a day of mourning and sorrow.

But I digress. I found this verse in the ASV because I was looking for the word "vanity" in Ecclesiastes. The verse above is followed by these verses:

Job 7:17 What is man, that thou shouldest magnify him, And that thou shouldest set thy mind upon him, 18 And that thou shouldest visit him every morning, And try him every moment? 19 How long wilt thou not look away from me, Nor let me alone till I swallow down my spittle?

The NIV puts it thus:

17 "What is man that you make so much of him, that you give him so much attention, 18 that you examine him every morning and test him every moment? 19 Will you never look away from me, or let me alone even for an instant?

This put me in mind of another Scripture:

Psalm 8:4 what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him? 5 You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor. (NIV)

I found this remarkable - that the same idea ("what is man") led to two different expressions, one of despair, and one of awe:

What is man that you, God, make so much of him, that you pester him so?
What is man that you, God, make so much of him, that you lift him up so high?

David redeemed Job's thought. He took the same idea, and changed it from a reason to despair to a reason to rejoice. A good reminder that perspective and attitude matter.

Even concerning ones' birthday.

Jessica on Washington DC Local News!

I found two cuts of this video, this one is a little longer but the other has the sound drop out at one point.



Here's the link.

Ill again

This week, I am ill. I felt it start Saturday, but foolishly decided to go to the church work day anyway.  Last Sunday I got a sore throat and lost my voice. Monday morning around 1AM I woke up with my throat in so much pain that I couldn't sleep - it hurt all the time, and when I swallowed it was like swallowing razor blades.

(Swallowing became this mean little game for me. On the one hand, I didn't want to be in pain. On the other, I became very conscious of a need to swallow, and of an obsessive little curiosity about the pain - was it still there? Will it decrease if I swallow a lot? Gulp. OWW! I guess not.)

Tuesday wasn't any better, and so I called my doctor - or, rather, had the wife call, since I couldn't carry on a conversation. First opening was Wednesday morning, so I got over there.

"Yup, you're ill. Might be strep. If it is strep, here is a prescription for antibiotics - you can take it now, or wait for the strep test to get back. If it isn't strep, not much to do besides numb the pain, lower the fever, drink fluids. Strep test should be back Friday."

Wednesday night I developed a cough - my throat was so raw, it tickled all the time. Then I couldn't sleep because of the cough.

Finally, here, on Friday, I feel like I am getting better. I am still running a slight fever (about a half degree), but the pain when I swallow is tolerable, and I can sleep without waking myself up from swallowing or coughing.

But what is it with this illness? I don't normally get this ill. I was also ill for 10 days over the last Christmas holiday as well. It's just weird - I feel like a little kid again, with these long illnesses.  It's also a little nerve-wracking to be out of work this long these days. Fortunately, I got a lot of big projects out of the way just before this happened.

I often feel distant from God, but when I am ill I have little interest in spiritual things, other than to throw up a "please make me well" prayer. I pull in, just wanting to be by myself, conserving resources, comforting myself.

I'm glad that he sticks with me anyway, though I don't understand why.